The Immaculate Deception

«After Her Own Heart

071341.png50The Science of DeductionFeaturequest1 Icon.png The Science of Deduction»

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<sigh> I suppose since you're the imbecile's friend, you intend to help him.

The man you want to find is an adventurer named Humphrey. At present, he can be found at the Golden Bazaar.


With luck, the good inspector may find his way there by the time you arrive. If not, then so be it.


Hah hah... I wonder what will happen when he discovers that the victim is a perpetrator as well?
I look forward to seeing how the good inspector chooses to handle this case.
Aye, I'm Humphrey. And you are?
<huff> <puff> At last, I've caught up with you! You there, young sir─I am told you are a victim of the marauding duelist?
Me? A victim? Hah hah hah, how amusing─you amuse me! True, I was challenged by the duelist not long ago. But where he thought to find a whelp...
He found a Warrior of Light instead! Aye, I defended my honor and my blade─see for yourself!
You mean you won!? That's amazing!
Heh, well, it was nothing compared to what I faced at Carteneau! Magitek to the right of us, magitek to the left of us! Stuck in the middle with Master Lou, we were. Cor, he was a dab hand with the old magic, he was! I tried to save him, of course, but there's a limit to how many giant beasties a man can─
That man is no Warrior of Light!
Tell them, Eleazar! Tell them how he lost and surrendered a sword that was not his own!
Liar! Scoundrel! I trusted that bastard with me father's blade, bid him take it to a smitty for restoration─even gave him gil to pay for it! Then he comes crawlin' back snivelin' an' beggin' forgiveness for losin' it in a duel! As if that's enough to set things right!

Look at me, ye bleedin' whoreson─look at me! Me flowin' golden locks are no more! I've gone bald from the stress an' heartbreak...


I swear to everythin' holy that you'll face a reckonin' if ye don't bring her back to me!
All right, all right! He beat the shite out of me and took the old man's sword. I used the gil to pay the chirurgeon. I have no idea where he or the sword is.
What am I supposed to do, huh? I can't give him what I don't have! Unless... Unless you help me find the sword! That's what you do, right? Help people?
Have you no shame!? First you claim a legacy not your own, then you beg others to help you with problems of your own making! You will refuse this man, won't you, Inspector?
...And what of Eleazar's flowing golden locks? How will forsaking young Humphrey help the man he has wronged?
We shall begin our search for the sword by questioning the people of the Golden Bazaar!
That blade was a rare and ancient relic. He can't possibly think he'll recover it so easily...
Do all inspectors dress like that? I've never met one before, so I don't know what to expect.
Yet what drives this man to always claim his opponent's weapon? Pride? No, it must be deeper than that...
Damn it all to the seventh hell! Someone, anyone─find me father's sword! An' bring me some snurble tonic too, while yer at it!
Eleazar's sword? Wasn't much to look at, but at least it was authentic. More than a few collectors have been tricked into purchasing counterfeit relics.
That boy should be ashamed of himself! Robbing poor Eleazar of a priceless family heirloom... Just goes to show you should never trust an adventurer who claims to be a Warrior of Light. Thieves and tricksters, the lot of them.
<sigh> It may not be the most honorable solution, but mayhap you should consider giving Eleazar a counterfeit blade. If the deception brings him peace in his final days, would it be so wrong?
Antique swords? Oh, I haven't the foggiest about that. That traveling merchant Jojonpa is the one you ought to speak with─assuming he hasn't left.
I'm afraid I have no knowledge of an ancient sword─at least, not of one I can guarantee to be authentic.
You see, any wares I determine to be of dubious origins I immediately discard in the spring east of Camp Drybone. Although I have no swords for sale at present, I may have disposed of a facsimile similar in design to the one you describe.
This presents a quandary. Though I am loath to deceive an honorable man like Eleazar, a well-intentioned ruse may put his heart at ease, thus spurring the rejuvenation of his flowing golden locks, whilst we continue to search for the genuine article.
Well, if there is a sword in that spring, it won't remain there for long. It's one of the more convenient sources of fresh water for the commonfolk in Camp Drybone.
Tsk-tsk. You should endeavor to be more optimistic, Miss Ellie─like me! I say we search the spring first before declaring all to be lost.
Ahahaha! Forgive me, I could contain myself no longer. What kind of fool parades about in an outfit like that? Was he some sort of mummer?
It occurs to me that I am not yet fully recovered from my accumulated injuries. It would not be prudent to immerse my body in water...

Not without first coating it with a liberal application of salamander oil, that is! Indeed, on many an occasion my dearest mother tended my childhood scrapes just so.


You understand the importance of physical rehabilitation, yes? Then you can assist me by pouring the oil all over my body.


The body is but an instrument in occasional need of oiling. So come, my friend! Come and oil me up!
Ahhh, this comforting scent, as though I am a child in her arms... Quickly now, before it dries─knead the oil into my aching flesh!

Ahhh, the rel─ Gah! The pain multiplies manifold! Gently, now─gently!


Oh gods, oh gods, oh gods... Yesss, at last! My muscles slacken and soften, the warmth spreads, and the pain becomes pleasure!


Right there, yes! Keep doing that, just like that, just like─ <groan> Yesss! Now, once more─with feeling!
Ahhh! Never before have I received such splendid ministrations. Now, then─into the spring. You as well, my good man!

I spy with my inspector's eye...


You've been productive! Excellent. May I see what you've found?


No sign of the sword Jojonpa mentioned, I see...
Ah!
Now I'm all wet! What was that, anyway!?
Hm? Did something cause you to─
Once again, my instincts have guided us to our quarry! That I had you search that section of the spring was a stroke of...of... <sneeze>
Inspector, it's bad for your health to conduct investigations in those clothes! I'll go to Ul'dah and fetch you some new ones.
How thoughtful of you, Nashu! While you're there, purchase a few bottles of hair tonic for Eleazar as well─the newest, most potent blend you can find.

Is it not wonderful, my friend? Soon all of Eleazar's woes will be no more!


As promised, I return to you your father's ancient blade.
Aye, it is her! Every chip an' scratch is just as I remember. Gods bless ye, sir!
I never expected you would go to such lengths for two strangers without thought of reward. Altruism is a rare trait these days.
'Tis common enough if you know where to look. A gentleman recognizes the good in every soul, and understands that none deserve to be forsaken!
Spoken like a true gentleman─though your garments beg to differ.
Inspector, I've brought your change of clothing! I also bought a supply of tonic from this peddler I met in Pearl Lane!
Excellent work, Nashu! If you would just bring me that case...
...Inspector? Inspector Hildibrand?
There appears to be something lodged in my forehead. Could it be...a missive from an adoring admirer?
Hmmm... The author neglected to pen her name. “I shall come to claim the collector's blade.” Is that supposed to be flattering?
No, you─ It's supposed to be intimidating. The duelist wrote this. He's daring you to stop him!
A challenge! For me! Ho─ At last, the curtain rises...

Very well! If I am to duel the duelist, I must dress for the occasion!


I, Hildibrand, agent of enquiry, inspector extraordinaire, accept your challenge!
He's...he's incredible! So bold, so majestic─just like a Warrior of Light!
No─a Gentleman of Light!
He is...exceptionally...something.
Cor! Inspector Hildibrand, you look amazing!
Blackman
Hildibrand...
Hatena
...This is far from the strongest of swords.

Blue, blue skies and the rolling desert...


How much longer must I seek the blade of legend?
Jimaku
Challenge accepted, my worthy opponent! You shall not claim the blade!

With my─let us call it what it is─genius, I shall bring you to justice!


Wait─you wish to duel with weapons, not wits!?


This bridge hardly seems appropriate for such an epic battle!
Hey, I know that spear! That's the one I found buried with the pumpkins!
Pumpkins sort of remind me of...um... No, it's gone. Never mind!